Help the Homos Initiative
by mentalillusions
Summary: The tale of a guardian unicorn with selective (mis)hearing. Complete and utter crack :)


A/N: A birthday present for the lovely SoldierOfMyShadowyMind!

Contrary to popular belief, unicorns didn't just stand around and look majestic (although that was a rather large part of the job description). But perhaps that statement is something of a lie. That used to be a unicorns only role until recent years. For many centuries, unicorns hadn't really given much of a fuck. They didn't care what humans did; it was no dirt of their hooves after all. Yet after the events of the Great War, the unicorns felt saddened by the level of destruction humanity caused to one another. They had seen many a war and they knew they weren't really allowed to interfere, but one day, they decided that they'd try and make things better for at least a small minority. Together, they decided to try improve life for the homosexuals, with _the 'Help the Homos Initiative.'_

It was actually Sparkle Cupcake who had suggested the idea. _'But why not?' _he had said when then others just looked awkward and scuffed their hooves at the idea.

It took much convincing, but eventually, Glitter Tutu, the leader of their tribe, said _'why not indeed?'_ and said he'd assigned him with _'a very special mortal'._

Sparkle's friends warned him that Glitter might have set him up with someone difficult as punishment for actually suggesting an idea when the ring leader said _'any ideas?'_ (Unicorn's were lazy creatures after all, and Glitter didn't _actually _want anyone to add anything, he just wanted to feel he had done the right thing in asking. Even unicorns don't want to feel guilty.)

* * *

Concealed in the shadows, Sparkle watched his mortal with curiosity from across a courtyard, as the young man smoked the last of his cigarette broodingly. He didn't look particularly difficult or undesirable, and the sight quelled Glitter Tutu's fears of him being bad in some way. He had half expected to have been assigned an asylum patient who couldn't leave or didn't know who he was, or perhaps a poor man without a face, both of whom would have been difficult to find potential partners for. But this man, he appeared to be a working class servant, perhaps one in power from the sight of his fancy uniform, and had the added bonus of good looks. Piece of cake (perhaps with a marshmallow on top?) Sparkle thought to himself.

As Sparkle watched his mortal, his majestic white brow furrowed in curiosity as to what the deal was with this guy. Sliding another cigarette out of the pocket in his jacket, the man lit it up and took several puffs. The servant-Thomas, he vaguely recalled him being named-didn't seem to be in any particular hurry, so Sparkle assumed that the house must have been finished for the day. Then again, from the little he had seen of him popping in and out throughout the course of the afternoon, he never once seemed rushed. He had a calm temperament…or perhaps he was just lazy? It was hard to tell.

After a few, dull, minutes of watching the man suck on a white stick repeatedly, another servant, more a poodle than a man, strutted out, causing Thomas' face to light up.

Sparkle tuned his super (although beginning to fail: First World Unicorn Problems) onto the two men, wondering idly about what was about to transpire between them.

"Evenin' Mr Barrow" The poodle boy said, leaning (closer than strictly necessary) to Thomas who stood against the wall. "You fancy taking a stroll again?" the boy asked brightly, whilst tilting his head up and to the side in a way which made it look a bit like he was sniffing him. Thomas must have thought the same as he shifted away subtly.

The dark haired man inclined his head in what Sparkle supposed must have been a nod, but lacked a strange element of enthusiasm, like he was holding himself back.

"Alright" he replied calmly.

* * *

In _(companionable?)_ silence, the men made their way into the woods to the side of the big rectangular palace. There seemed to be something slightly off about the atmosphere between them, although Sparkle, even with his unlimited (or so he liked to think) wisdom couldn't tell what.

As he followed behind, he catalogued possible reasons. It didn't seem like they'd had a lovers tiff, they were far too friendly for that. In fact, they didn't seem to be lovers at all, or at least not yet. The best Sparkle could come up with was friends with unrealised chemistry.

Much to his irritation, Sparkle forced himself to hold back in the distance to avoid being seen as Thomas and Co were moving at an agonisingly slow pace (even worse than an Elder Unicorns with a superiority complex and it was accepted by all that those guys were selfish jerks, always taking their time to enrage those around them).

"Have you heard anything from Alfred lately?" the tall man asked, although his expression was a mystery as all he could see were their backs (it wasn't an awful sight if Sparkle were honest).

"No." The poodle huffed. "I just wish he'd_ bone _me!"

The black haired man laughed at the others aggravations.

"Ah, well, you know how our Alfred is with _boning_ people-thinks it's dangerous."

_This is alarming,_ Sparkle thought with wide eyes. It would appear he'd gotten the situation very wrong indeed, if they wanted to get boned by Alfred.

_"__Honey!"_ The blond whined. Sparkle had heard of some odd sexual practices…but honey?...well…

Thomas sounded confused. _"Honey?" _Perhaps the former had been a proposition of some kind?

"Yes, _honey!"_ The poodle yelped, getting overly angry at something which was his idea after all. "The cheapskate doesn't want to use his _honey!_ He'd much rather I use mine, the lousy sod!"

Well, now Sparkle was well and truly confused. Perhaps they had a honey router on who brings it each time they bed each other? Mortals were weird. Why couldn't they just use oil? Thomas looked like the type who had a cupboard full of the stuff just waiting for an opportunity to be used…perhaps they saw benefits to the taste?

"Look" Thomas said, stopping in his tracks. "He'll either come around or he won't. If he doesn't you either have to tell him to sod off or just continue to write."

The blond nodded slowly.

"Yeah," He said, after a pause, taking a step back, "you're right. I suppose I have much to think on…thank you Mr Barrow."

Thomas turned around and Sparkle saw a smile so bright it almost lit up the dark of the woods, showing how obviously pleased he was to be of some help. Thomas stared after the blond as he retreated back to the house, holding his eyes on his figure until he was little more than a speck in the distance. Sparkle was surprised when the servants smile faltered, leaving in its place an empty void of emotion.

Trotting forward, Sparkle made himself known.

"Who's the sexy poodle and what is he to you?" Sparkle inquired, coming to a halt in front of the raven haired man. Thomas' head shot up, his eyes going comically wide as his mouth went slack. The servant said nothing.

Sparkle cleared his throat as prompt. "Well?"

"I've gone mad" Thomas said laconically, his voice passive and blank as he pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly stressed. "Why would I even hallucinate a unicorn with a phoney Italian accent?" he continued.

Sparkle spluttered, "Phoney! I'll have you know it's very genuine sounding! It took years to perfect!"

"Well you need to keep practicing mate."

Leaning against a tree, Thomas muttered to himself. "God, I really must be as soft as they all thought I were." The man grunted "ugh maybe if I just close my eyes it will all go away…" The servant proceeded to shut his eyes tightly.

Sparkle humoured him for a few minutes until he saw one of the man's eyes peek open briefly and squeeze shut again.

"'fraid not" Sparkle laughed, flashing a majestic grin which he thought made himself look very magical and unicorn-like indeed. Once, some old fool thought he was a horse! It was the worst insult he had ever received being mistaken for that ugly, magic-less, distant relation.

Thomas still said nothing.

"Look, lets cut to the chase" Sparkle began bluntly. "I'm a unicorn who's job it is to assist you in your love life, like your guardian angel, and from what I've just heard it's already, certainly, quite…interesting? But you obviously need some help otherwise I wouldn't be here, so" Sparkle continued, putting on his _demanding face. _"I'll ask you again. Who's the blond and what is he to you?"

Thomas stood quietly for a while before choking out a cruel bark of a laugh, and standing upright.

"If I've gone mad, I might as well have some fun before they lock me away."

So Thomas told him the whole, terrible, story about how he fell for Jimmy the Poodle Headed Boy; was manipulated into thinking the newbie felt the same; about how he kissed him in his sleep (Sparkle stood by this word: Mortals were weird.) and about the difficult aftermath. And eventually, at long last, he got the point where taking a beating caused them to become friends, and how they had a fragile relationship, only made worse by the fact that he still loved Jimmy dearly.

"But," Sparkle said at the end of the sorrowful tale severely lacking in sexy times. "You and him and Alfred are boning each other with honey so it can't be all bad."

Thomas cackled, the sudden noise making Sparkle jump, his feet doing the_ 'is there a mouse?' _dance. "You what?"

Confused, Sparkle thought over the conversation in his head and-_oh,_ he really needed to get some hearing aids.

"My mistake." He replied (somewhat) sincerely, bowing his head and choking back his giggles.

Thomas nodded his acceptance but he was still evidently puzzled.

"So what would you advise?"

Sparkle thought for a moment.

"Well," he began, "if you want to bone him with honey, you're going to have to make him think it's his idea. You can't be the one to initiate this."

Sparkle told him his idea which Thomas agreed to, despite the risk, and the next day, they set the plan into motion.

* * *

Hiding in the pantry, Sparkle watched the two men speak eagerly through the slightly crack of the door.

"I'm certainly going to miss Mrs Patmore's food." Thomas wistfully announced to Jimmy, the kitchen practically vacant.

Jimmy's head popped up from his tea, the movement causing the liquid to spill over the sides of the cup and into the saucer.

Thomas smiled weakly. "I'm thinking of leaving. A position opened up from someone I used to know and well-they offered me a job as butler." Thomas said in a rush. "I think I'm going to take it, unless I have a sudden change of heart" Thomas looked guilty, but as far as Sparkle was concerned, that was working to his advantage in terms of believability.

Jimmy looked horrified, like he might just cry any minute.

"No!" the poodle cried out, grabbing Thomas' arm and leading him out of the kitchen and into the courtyard.

Sparkle sprinted out, managing to not be seen by anyone (apart from a girl who he would later be told was called Daisy, who everyone would call crackers when she says _'but it were a unicorn, it came dashing out that pantry'_). Pushing through the back door with the top of his head, accidently scraping his horn on the wood in the process, Sparkle was overjoyed to see the two men locked in a tight (read: suffocating) embrace, kissing in a style which made it look like they were eating each other.

Fading into the shadows, Sparkle Cupcake knew he had done a job well done and was certain the _'Help the Homos Initiative' _would continue to be a great success.


End file.
